magicalesbian | 7TH ☄ s h o o t i n g s t a r ☄ v o i c e

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7TH ☄ s h o o t i n g s t a r ☄ v o i c e

My fellow Lucetizens! [She still thinks it's funny okay.] I'm sure it's been on everyone's minds since that last announcement, but just what kind of weaknesses do you think we're going to have to face? I mean, most of us have experience with some pretty terrible shifts back in that bad-end timeline, so I think we know what kind of things can be thrown at us. But how many people here can say they really understand their own weaknesses?

So I got to thinking! We all have a responsibility here to help those who want to go back home, right? So we should take this chance to work together and figure out our weaknesses together! I mean, I don't think it's very reasonable to expect all of us to just overcome our problems by ourselves in a few weeks. That's crazy, right? But if we all know what everyone else might expect, then we can work together to help support each other!

Like, say some guy is like super tormented by an evil slime monster in his past that killed his beloved pet hamster, Toodles. But on the other hand, we've got a guy who's a world-renown slime monster slayer! If those two worked together, then maybe Mr. Slimophobia can get some support in overcoming his fear of slime monsters! Or, you know, he'll at least know to stick by Mr. Slime-killer when the time comes so he'll have someone to help bail him out of trouble. [Flawless logic.]

So! Here's what we should do. We'll get everyone together and just... talk things out! Just drop your name here, and everyone who knows you will chime in with what they think your biggest weakness is! Then, other people can see that and offer help or support. Of course, I know a lot of people might not want to risk hurting their friends feelings by listing off their faults, so just go ahead and cover up the camera if you wanna stay anonymous.

[There's no way this can end badly, nope.]

And don't be scared to put yourself out there! Don't forget, this is for everyone's benefit, so it's totally a judgement-free zone!

If you don't put your name down, then... well, I guess that's probably your big weakness then, huh.

((ooc: It's an IC honesty meme, guys!! Feel free to threadjack to your heart's content. For any anonymous comments, you can put ANONYMOUS in the subject so people still know OOCly which character is saying what. If your character wouldn't post to this themselves but you still want to participate, you can handwave/ask another player for someone else to post their name for them.))

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[Guy, then.

Still not sure if it's more difficult than the alternative. Dammit.

Asch considers his words carefully; he's never been a good speaker, and he's not fool enough to think that poking at Guy's flaws is any less likely to result in a fight than his own. Considering their history, they can probably fight about anything.]

For me, it's been a long time since then. But I haven't forgotten how... unfair it felt, sometimes. We fought over the most stupid things... at least, it seemed stupid until the truth started coming out.

[He inhales, then exhales slowly, eyes closing as he seeks out the words he needs for this. He's good at being blunt, good at criticizing people. He's lousy at turning those criticisms into something more constructive, something halfway usable.]

You're used to being the dependable one, the servant, the one who's always smiling. You want people to open up to you about their problems so you can help, because helping is what you're all about. But I'm guessing you think you'd be a lot less useful to people if they knew you're just as screwed up as the rest of us.

[Maybe it's the way that it's so obvious Asch is trying -trying real hard- to find the correct words that softens that "just as screwed up as the rest of us" blow. Or maybe Guy's distance far enough from it. Maybe- ahhhh, doesn't matter.

He bows his head and chuckles, pinching at the bridge of his nose.] You think an awful lot of me, if you think that's why. Helping people. [He's a lot more selfish than that.] Maybe that's your weakness, you always let me get away with so much. [It's supposed to be a joke but then something rings a little too true, and Guy makes a note to examine it later.]

...I don't know if I should talk to you about this. It's about the manor. [Back when killing Asch -Luke, then- was all Guy could think about. This might hurt him even more.]

[The manor. Back then. When he'd been so blissfully ignorant of everything- sheltered as he was, the problems of the rest of the world were so far away, little more than history books and theories and stories, really. He studied and he trained and he loved his country, and everyone around him was there to support him or, in his father's case, give him a goal to which he would aspire.

And then Van took it all away. Not just his life or his family or the future he'd been working towards- he had to take away that ignorance, as well. Sharing the Score, how he was meant to die. Sharing the darkness of the world and how terrible both countries could be, sacrificing their people for victory's sake.

And sharing the fact that Guy's friendship, all of their time spent together, had been nothing but a lie.

He's thought a lot about that time since then. Moreso now that in at least one universe, Guy's gotten his revenge.]

...Whatever you tell me wouldn't be worse than what I've already imagined myself.

[He's become a firsthand witness of that hatred. He's seen that oh-so secret anger rise to life in Guy's eyes. Nothing could be worse.]

[...okay then. Guy leans forward again, elbows on his knees as he clenches his hands between them. Maybe this'll be good. Like bleeding a wound to let out the poison. He's put his desire for revenge past him, and while he might not have forgiven the Duke, he's at least buried his hatred for him far enough to hear the man's name without wanting to strangle something. That's probably progress.]

A good way to make sure nobody suspects you of anything is to be liked. Pere...helped me with that. I don't think he wanted to, but he helped show me how to lie. We spent the last two years before even coming to the manor practicing that, how to lie to people. How to make them see only what you want them to see. He- [Guy lifts a hand to his bangs absentmindedly.] I remember figuring out that if you gave people just enough truth, they'd swallow everything else with it. So yeah, I guess, part of it is wanting to help people.

...but a lot of it is just- I don't want- I don't- [Guy stops. His fingers scratch through his hair restlessly.] I don't want...anyone to see what I'm capable of. [He thinks back to Nami. How he hadn't wanted her to see how ugly he could be, how unfair, how hateful. Her opinion of him had mattered so much...he'd told her about his past and maybe he'd done it to try and garner some sympathy. To try and show that if he's horrible, it's for a reason. He's justified, right?

He doesn't think so, now. Nothing justifies planning to kill an innocent child. And it hadn't just been Asch either, he'd planned to kill everyone; the Duchess, all the servants, everyone he smiled at from day to day, and when they were dead and the Duke was kneeling with the body of his son in his arms, maybe then the hatred would finally go away. He supposes he'll never know, now.]

I think I could do a lot of terrible things, Asch. And it'd be the easiest thing in the world to justify it to myself. [Asch can probably relate. He was a God General. ...or maybe he can't, maybe he'd hated all of it and never thought he was right. That's what scares Guy; how right he can make himself feel.

Just like Van.

He lifts his eyes to Asch, though he doesn't make it past his chest before he falters and looks away again.] It's what I told myself when I thought about...killing you. That the ends justified the means. You were just collateral; a necessary sacrifice on the road to righting a wrong. I didn't give you much of a second thought, some days.

[Asch doesn't speak for a while afterwards, letting the words sink in properly. He was right to assume that it couldn't worse; the way that Guy describes it - his planned murder - it sounds so coldly impersonal, the means to an end. He didn't matter at all. Like with Van, like with his father, his only value came from his usefulness in someone else's plans.

Hah. It wasn't worse, but it sure as hell wasn't better, either. At the same time, it didn't hurt the same way that it used to, when he thought about it. Maybe finally knowing the truth was enough of a relief to placate the ache of once more discovering that he'd been nothing but a pawn to be played. He's replayed the memories of those days over and over in his head so many times- searching for the truth beneath the lie of every encounter with his 'servant', every smile, every game. Guy had been so good at it; he'd fooled them all for years. But with context, hadn't there been hints? Excuses of chores or protocol to avoid playing too much, a politely subtle cold shoulder, glowers in the background when no one was looking? He'd questioned for years now if any of it had been real. Now he knows.

The people he'd most loved and admired as a child had done nothing but lie to him. It's a staggering recognition, and he's grateful all of a sudden for both the tree at his back and the fact that Guy won't look at him.

He knows he can't stay silent forever; he's probably already been quiet for too long, after hearing something like that. But the words are caught in his throat, worried and wondering, and he regrets them even as they leave his lips.]

And then Van brought Luke back.

[Dammit. He doesn't want to know. He doesn't want to hear it. He doesn't want to drag out the story of how Luke managed to win over what he could never have.

But he does want it, too. He can't help but want it. To know, to understand the truth of it.

Why did I never have a chance?]

[Something about it makes Guy look up, and he sees the pinched expression on Asch's face. Like he's waiting to be hurt.]

Luke wasn't some magical salve, Asch. I hated him for a long time too. Sometimes, it was exactly the same. But-

[This will be worse, telling Asch why he liked Luke better, why Luke saved him and Asch didn't when really most of the answer just boils down to time. The hatred got...not weaker as he got older, but less easy to act upon. He got more patient. He thought about doing it later, then maybe later, and not long after that he considered not doing it at all. Maybe doing something else. Taking Luke from Duke Fabre some other way; kidnapping him, the way Van had lied about doing. Luke would've been ecstatic to escape that place, even if he'd complained the whole time. Guy could've sold it to him, easy.

And Luke had needed him. Had desperately needed him. His mother was weak and his father was absent; Guy was the only thing keeping Luke from dying, some days, and even if Guy grit his teeth and bore it more often than enjoyed it, it...wore down on him. Luke wasn't looking for lies, wasn't searching for purpose; Luke was just existing, and many days he was just reveling in it alongside Guy. He loved Guy without any pretenses, just because he hasn't known any better. Like a baby. Asch had too many responsibilities as a child, too much weight on his shoulders to dedicate himself to just one person; he was already being groomed for the throne. He had his eyes set too far into the future to devote more than just pieces of himself to any one person.

Before Van entered it, Luke's entire world seemed to focus solely on Guy. And-

Shit. And he misses it. He misses being needed, being the center of someone's life. As Luke got older and more independent Guy found himself chasing after his attention, found himself listless. Contemplating going back to his plan just for lack of something to do, of all the absurd ideas. Asch couldn't give him that. There was no way Asch could have given him that. Maybe if he had...it would've been the same.]

Asch, it's not- not because you weren't enough. It's just how things were.

And for however much it's worth, I'm sorry. For all of it. You never deserved any of it, not you.

Edited 2015-01-31 08:34 (UTC)

...Mm.

[He's not sure he believes it, not entirely. It's not like Luke had grown into a flawless person- he was selfish, obnoxious, clueless about the world around him. A bit of a coward. But there'd been an innocence to him that had drawn people to him; Asch remembered that clearly, when he'd escaped - or been allowed to escape, maybe, since Van had been there - and witnessed the replica with his family. Natalia had scolded him and then grown so gentle, helping him to walk, encouraging him to remember her. His mother had held him, kissed his hair, pampered him in a way that Duke Fabre hadn't allowed before. It had been different, right from the beginning. He can't imagine that Guy was immune to that, not when his preference had grown so obvious when they met again as adults. Maybe it was because of how Asch treated Luke, sure, but...

Maybe it wasn't that Asch hadn't been enough. Maybe it was because he'd been too much. Too grown up, too independent, too focused to see the lies. Too much like his father.]

When did you start thinking that?

[Again, regret. Because he's not sure of the answer, because it frightens him. He just can't seem to stop himself from asking. But his voice, his gaze, are equally serious. The truth is especially important to him now, regardless of what it might be.

I have to know.

I have to know if what I saw that day was true.]

Did it feel any different after I died?

In Eldrant? [Guy sits back with a sigh.] It's hard to remember. With everything from Luceti still so muddled, it feels like so long ago, but...

No. I mean. Even before that, I wanted to reconcile with you. I just...didn't get a chance to say it before everything went crazy.

[Is that the truth? Can he believe that? Is that actually even a comfort, or does that make it worse?

That's the question for the day, isn't it. Honesty is always painful for him - it's never easy and it always brings up unhappy truths - but he's learned that he has a very masochistic imagination.

Also trust issues.

Add that to the list.]

Would you really have tried, if I'd sat still long enough to give you a chance?

[Or maybe it's just human nature to always be too late.]

I think so. ...yeah, I would have. [Guy looks at the way Asch's hair slips over his shoulders as he bows his head.] I was done with it. I might not be able to forgive your father, but I like to think I've learned enough about not blaming people who don't deserve it. Or...I hope so. I want to.

Part of it would have been for selfishness, I think, just because I wanted to put it behind me and starting over with you would've helped with that. But Natalia was also your biggest supporter, you know; I might not have had two kind words to string together when it came to you, but she didn't let me get away with that. Luke too. They wouldn't let me forget that whatever we were trying to do to save the world, you were doing alone. I think over time it sunk in with me that I wasn't giving you the credit or concern you deserved.

If we're talking just about back home, I think I wanted to know more about who you were. I was going to find a way to talk to you after Eldrant.

[Which obviously won't happen now. And with all his memories of Luceti-] Asch- I don't want you to do go home. I don't want you to do this.

[He'd been wondering when - if - that would come up. He'd expected it more with Luke than himself, admittedly, but it was kind of predictable that Guy would want to keep them from trying to go back. It was essentially suicide- returning to Auldrant meant immediate death for the both of them. And Guy? He'd go back without his best friend.

Asch has no qualms about his own importance in Guy's life - not without these memories, certainly - but it's... something of a consolation to imagine he'd at least miss the opportunity to make amends between them. There's too much time, darkness, and bad memories between them to fathom there being anything else. Whether the latter was this Guy's fault or not was moot.

Nice of Guy to try with him, though. It's very... it's kind. Much kinder than he expected.

Out loud, rather than saying any of that, he snorts quietly and glances away.]

You think I want to?

Then don't. [Guy sits up a little straighter, stares a little harder. He'd assumed Asch would try to make it work; would try to go back. Maybe it was the wrong assumption to make. If Asch doesn't want to go back- maybe he'll help Guy. Maybe they can be allies in this.] Don't go back. We don't have to go through with it.

What makes you think we'll have a choice?

[When is it ever that simple? That easy? For him, never. Is it such a crime to take the path of least resistance for once?]

We've been told that it's possible the world could fall apart at the end of all this. So what happens when there's no alternative, Guy?

We'll never find out if there's an alternative if we don't look/i> for one- Dammit Asch, don't you want to live? [Guy's asking it but he thinks he already knows the answer. Someone with Asch's determination? If he desperately wanted to live, this conversation wouldn't even be necessary.]

[Asch scoffs audibly, arms crossing over his chest.]

Yes, because life's been so kind to me so far.

[He knows that will only set Guy off, though - he'd been passionate about Asch's cynicism about life in the past, anyway - so he doesn't leave it at that.]

It's not like- I'm not looking for ways to die. This isn't just about me.

Make it about you! [Guy shoves himself up, rubbing his mouth and giving Asch his back, a hand on his hip.] The two of you definitely have that in common.

[The anger isn't surprising, though the words make him scowl. So the replica's thinking about the same thing.]

And what about Auldrant? Wasn't your entire journey all about saving the world? What's the point if we don't go back?

I'm not like the two of you. I can't look at these grand problems and see grand solutions on a worldwide scale. I helped you save the world because of the handful of people I care about who live in it. [There's some more stuff in there, a general desire to do good, principles and the like, but they're not relevant. Not right now, anyway.] Your part is done; why can't you just stay? [Not mentioning Luke. Not going to talk about how if he doesn't go back, the world is pretty much doomed.

He'll...figure that out later.]

[Asch doesn't answer right away. What Guy is saying is true; his part is done, much as it stings sometimes to think of it. He may not have stopped Van, but he sent Luke on his way to doing that. His death gave Luke the power of second-order hyperresonance, which saved them from Sync's trap and freed Lorelei from Van. He wasn't a hero - never was - and he died alone and generally unwanted in a place that wasn't even supposed to exist, but he'd done something. He'd accomplished enough of his goals to feel satisfied. He'd made a difference, like he'd promised with Natalia. They hadn't just changed Kimlasca... they'd been changing the world. Even if it hadn't been the way they'd planned.

I broke a lot of promises that day.

It's part of what's bothered him about this place- what's always bothered him about it, but especially the last few years, since he was sent back to Auldrant to be greeted with a lungful of blood and the sweet release of nothing. Only to wake once again here, like it had been nothing more than a bad dream. And to die, and die, and die...]

...You've never died. It's not something you can understand.

[Guy clenches his fists.

...but relaxes, turns to look at Asch over his shoulder before sighing.]

No. I guess I wouldn't.

[He wants to. And it's something about Asch that frustrates him so profoundly. He understands everything about Luke, every single thing; not even entirely on a conscious level, but Asch-

Every time he thinks he's got Asch nailed down, he's surprised. It's probably the reason behind some of his...tantrums.]

But I don't have to understand to tell you how I feel about this. And...now you know.

[Now he knows. At least, he'd like to believe it. There's still that... conflict. The one he can't quite shake. It's the memories of the Guy he remembers from here - caring for him, fighting for him sometimes, even, behaving as if he gives a damn or two - warring with the memories of that contempt, distrust, rage. Guy is capable of so much love and so much hate, and he's so very good at lying...]

...is it real?

[His voice is quiet, and he can't bring himself to look at Guy. He hates this... doubt, the sliver of disbelief that's been digging and digging deeper ever since they both returned here, because if there's one person he always wanted to rely on (who wasn't Van, because Van was untouchable in that regard), it was Guy. But his belief's been shaken to the very core, and he doesn't know how to undo it, let alone explain the problem.]

Is that the truth? Or is it just what you think I need to hear to stop me from doing this?

[Maybe it's for Luke. Back then- when he'd died- Guy had visited him for Luke's sake, hadn't he? To get answers, sure, but Luke had to have played a part in it. Guy had tolerated his presence for Luke, he'd followed Asch's directions because Luke did, there'd always been a different - better - reason to endure Asch himself.

It made sense, didn't it? There had to be another reason.]

[Guy almost makes the mistake of swearing on his name.

He stops himself; not because he thinks Asch would take it personally, but because he's been reflecting a lot on his name and what it means to him. His name and his House ties him to Malkuth, to the crown and to Peony; he takes pride in his name and what it means to him personally, but beyond that? ...he doesn't even know anymore. Pere can tell him about the culture of Hod and about House Gardios until he's blue in the face, but the fact remains that if Guy does go back home, House Gardios will be whatever he makes of it. He could sell off all his assets and donate the gald to charity, live the rest of his life studying fontech in Sheridan and be just as happy.

And he can't swear on Luke. Luke is what means the most to him in this and any other world, but Luke is too close to a painful spot for Asch, no matter how much they've reconciled. Asch might understand the gravity of what Guy's saying, but it'll ring hollow because in the same breath will be that reminder of but you love Luke more, and you loved him first. And it would be true.

So Guy takes a moment to think, to really think about it, and he can come up with only one name he could swear on that'll really, truly say everything to Asch that he wants to say.]

I swear on my sister's name.

[Because every thing that comes out of Guy's mouth could be a lie, but he'd never dishonor her like that. And he knows how she'd feel about it; if using her name could save someone else, she'd want him to do it. She was like that.

Too sacrificial for her own good.]

On Mary. I swear on Mary's name that it's the truth.

[Asch goes still at that, surprised- both by the words and the meaning behind them. Guy doesn't bring Mary up often and never lightly; she means too much to him to be cast aside for a convincing lie. Honestly, it's one of the few ways Guy could have answered that actually makes his response believable.]

...Okay.

[He exhales, setting free a shaky breath he'd been holding out out of nervousness, paranoia, and preemptive grief for the answer he'd been expecting, and straightens up. It's not like he's agreeing to any sort of terms - to stay here, to help Guy convince Luke of anything, to live - but it's... helped. It's cleared up a few things and given him reason to reconsider. Because if Guy gives enough of a damn to wager on Mary's name then he's not doing this for Luke.]

It's not that I want to go back, Guy. Or that I want to die. Or even whether or not I want to stay here. It's that I want to stop dying over and over. Either it's some stupid fight I wanted no part of, or the world getting destroyed, or my own damn body falling apart- it's going to keep happening. And I'll lose more of myself, because the ones who can fix that are leaving.

[His fists clench, trying to rein in the anger. He's not mad at Guy, not really- but he's never been good at explaining himself, his feelings or motivations or what he's thinking, and how can he do any better now while trying to describe something Guy doesn't even understand?]

I won't go out like that- dying and coming back with less of myself until there's nothing... I won't become some empty shell. I've lost who I was once already. Never again.

[When Van took him away from Kimlasca as a child, he'd been forced to remake himself into someone else to survive, and it had been agony every step of the way. The thought of trying to patch his life back together when the pieces keep getting yanked away from him, impossible to retrieve... it's unthinkable.]

[The worst part is that Guy doesn't have a good answer for any of that. If John is leaving, there won't be anybody else to fix the problem. If it keeps happening, that's it.

Doesn't stop him from trying, though.]

I don't have anything to tell you that'll make that possibility go away Asch. All I can tell you is that I think it's worth trying. Maybe whatever they need us to do, maybe while we're there we can fix it. Maybe we can figure out how to cheat it. You could have decades ahead of you, where you could live without the pressure of the Score or hyperresonance or Van or any of it if you'd just try.

I could have decades, sure. Or months. Or days.

[He hasn't forgotten Dist's estimate- a handful of years, and that was years ago. It wasn't even a guarantee. Time away from Luke had helped, since fonons that have nowhere to go tend to cluster, and going back to Auldrant had more or less reset the timeline of it all, but he could still feel it. Hard to imagine a future when your body's determined to fall apart.

A future has never been something guaranteed to him- just promised to him by men he no longer trusted.]

I've already spent years here- six years, going by this world's calendar. I'm a dead man walking. I surpassed the Score's prediction, my own death, my coming of age. I'm not looking for death, but living here hasn't exactly given me much to fight for, either. What do you expect of me, Guy? Am I supposed to be happy in this place? Because I haven't had much reason to be so far.

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